LOOKING BACK ON HELL

Well, it was my hell, just a small part I share in an article here.

ON A GIRLS SOCIAL FRIEND SITE, I SHARED SOME MEMORIES WITH THEM
WHEN PARTS OF OUR LIVES SURFACE

When it feels as if you love your partner, to make a closer bond will make you feel you are important enough to be acknowledged as a ‘special’ one, rather than just a …. I have to say it…. a sexual toy! After all, being engaged gives you a chance to for a trial, and breaking off an engagement if it feels wrong is the most honest thing to do. It should only take up to a year and living with a partner while engaged, before the potential wedding, shows you EXACTLY what he’s really like and what to expect.

Or perhaps it can take two days, as in the case of my first husband and I, lol! He was my first boyfriend. I was 18yrs old, he 21yrs. We had met at our place of work and our first date was a judo lesson. It wasn’t long before some over-zealous club member (Neanderthal, obviously) swung me around and let go, whence I landed on my head and in a heap. I was more embarrassed than hurt due to this very handsome man coming over to me with such a concerned look on his face. He picked me up off the floor, (so romantic, except I was trying to ignore the pain and must have been cross-eyed!) then he suggested we met the next night for a meal. I couldn’t say no, could I?

I hope you don’t mind me continuing with the story…. That next evening, we ate and talked, and it felt good. At the end of the evening he kissed me on the cheek and asked to see me the next night too. I agreed. We went to see a good band, and on the way home he asked me to marry him! For goodness sake! I said YES! I probably thought I was part of a film or something. (Don’t forget I had not gone out with another man until then)

I was a nurse at this time and we soon got engaged. The year after that we married. Well……. okay, it didn’t last, but he was always so good to me. Lovely person. It was so difficult explaining I didn’t feel the same as him and really only needed him as a friend now. Anyhow, long story short, he was upset, I went off and things got very bad for me, wrong decision making, that type of thing.

I always felt fond of him and many, many years later, he came upon me through the Internet and following my comments. He tracked me down to say hello and tell me he had never held a grudge against me. I had always felt guilty about it, so it made me feel better.

No, we didn’t meet up. He was still in the UK, married again and I was married, in America. Both my ex and now, husband spoke to each other. My first and my last! Lol! However, it was great to know he wasn’t bitter towards me. Not like some of my other husbands were and still are! Talk about being bitter! And I thought it was women who got like that! Yikes! I’ve nearly been murdered several times! Literally!

I wonder why I told you all that, but I hope it wasn’t boring. Anyhow I’m trying to say, not to rush into a relationship, but try to enjoy being your own self for a while. I had the equivalent of eleven divorces. I became engaged to all eleven, at different times of course, lol! I lived with them as man and wife. I married only FIVE of them. As soon as I found things about them that were unsavoury, like them not being real animal lovers, not caring about the needy, being nasty behind their friends backs etc., and when they didn’t like me giving money away to those who needed it, I left. Just like that! I never wanted to be with a man who would not let me give his money away when necessary. (I’m an animal activist.) Providing he was still left solvent of course! Some of us make more money, so we should give some away.

I never wasted too much time hanging around when it felt bad, and the relationship I have now, is by far my longest and the best. He’s for keeps and who I found at age 56 yrs! At that age, (a terrible time to uproot) I left my lovely house and possessions, sadly left behind all my friends and came to live in the USA. Had to sell my house from over here!

So….. a good thing turned up at last! I never gave up thinking I might find the man most compatible with my inclinations, and he actually appeared, through the Internet from Chicago and I was living in England! I was just in the process of keeping my husband of 10 months, away from MY house and staying put in his own. I guess you can say I had an escape from the threats, when I suddenly came to America. That ‘soon to be’ ex particular husband had some fame as he was a bestselling author of the book; The Nemesis File. Paul Bruce. His story was about being in the S.A.S. In one of the Execution Squads in the British Army. Yes, he was an assassin! He had some flack to cope with after that!

That relationship came about through me wanting to help him stay on the wagon, and his recovery had been very painful for him. However, his intermittent ‘coldness’ left me very upset, far too often. So, I got him to leave my house and go back to his other place. The drinking started and so did the threats if I did not take him back. The police were loathe to deal with him. You know how it goes, but this time, with the trained-to-kill type of man he was, I took his threats maybe, a little too seriously.

So, when my new American friend came over to see me, I was literally rescued!

My fifth and final husband, is a serious body-building man, very youthful, intelligent, (Masters Degree) spiritual, damned good-looking still, and with a long, black pony tail.. He’s guessed at being around 40! He is younger than me, but not that much! He’s also a musician and has a great company job, and into script-writing, etc, so he’s very into my creative pursuits also. I could not be luckier, as he has always been a moral, decent, (I’m his first love, but second wife) law abiding person.

I should have waited just for him to come along, but meanwhile, I chose the best of the bunch at each time, to keep the other ones away. I was in show-business and there are too many sharks around, who do not take NO for an answer. Date rape, audition rape, other rape, whatever, it drove me to need constant protection. Such is my reason for marrying the boyfriends I had. I never had any affairs or even boyfriends in between the eleven mentioned, so actually, I have not been out with as many men as most women have. Strangely enough, I was not that keen on men as far too many are crude and most certainly too introverted about their feelings.

I did have a lot of time living on my own in between though. Much of it was traumatic with some terrific highs. That’s why I’m writing an autobiography. I revealed this much as its but just a small part of what will be coming out when my full story is published.

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