Master manipulators come in all shapes and sizes, but many exhibit similar characteristics. To be good at what they do, they’ll need to encompass some or all of the following traits.
They’re charming and charismatic.
Manipulators have to be charming and charismatic to gain the trust and confidence of others. It’s one of their primary tools to disarm targets and create rapport.
They’re good at feigning empathy and have high emotional intelligence.
Master manipulators often possess a high level of emotional intelligence and (manufactured) empathy. Of course, they aren’t actually empathetic, but they know how to access it for their own benefit.
They’re very good at sensing other people’s emotions and exploiting them to their advantage. They’ll use this skill to appear compassionate, but they’re only behaving this way to gain the upper hand or control.
Additionally, they’re highly perceptive.
Master manipulators are excellent “people readers.” They have a sharpened intuition that allows them to suss out what makes people tick and how to get under their skin, which they’ll exploit for their own personal gain.
They’re also incredibly adept at predicting people’s reactions to their behavior, which helps them know which buttons to push to get their desired outcome.
They might be narcissists or sociopaths.
Some (not all) master manipulators exhibit traits of narcissism and sociopathy. They have an inflated sense of self-worth and view most relationships as transactional. They utilize psychological tools like gaslighting to get what they want.
For example, let’s say your partner is a master manipulator and they constantly dismiss your concerns and feelings, labeling them as “overreactions” or “just in your head.”
When you bring up how their dismissive remarks hurt you, they might counter with, “You’re making things up; I never said that.”
This tactic is a classic move, designed not only to make you doubt your own memory and feelings but also to tilt the balance of power in their favor.
By systematically undermining your trust in your own perceptions, the manipulator keeps you in a state of dependency and confusion, showcasing the manipulative prowess of those with narcissistic and sociopathic tendencies in relationships.
They are highly strategic and goal-oriented people.
The most effective manipulators are highly strategic and goal-oriented. They have to be. Everything they do is in service of achieving their primary goal. Human beings are either pawns or collateral in this pursuit.
They employ a “by any means necessary” approach to their pursuits with little to no moral guardrails keeping their ambition in check.
How to spot a master manipulator
Tactics of Manipulators Use Against You
Because master manipulators are good at what they do, it can be hard to admit to ourselves that we’re being manipulated. It’s important to know the signs.
Of course, we usually have a gut feeling that something isn’t right.
There may be mind games at play, gaslighting, or being made to feel like you’re going crazy. But manipulators are good at making us question our own judgment.
Then there’s the shame.
How could we be so foolish? Why didn’t we see what was really going on? These feelings of shame and guilt can trap us into emotionally abusive relationships we struggle to escape.
But there are common signs of manipulation you can look out for if you start to feel that someone in your life taking advantage of you. We’ll explore some common red flags and provide you with strategies to get support.
They come on way too strong.
In romantic situations, this is known as “love bombing.” Although, to be fair, you can love bomb friends and colleagues, too. It just takes on a different flavor.
Love bombing refers to the phenomenon in which someone new into your life showers you with affection and love for no apparent reason. It’s too early in the relationship for this intensity to make sense.
People who do this are often looking to get something from you, like time and commitment. They manufacture closeness with you as a means of control.
It’s not just limited to romantic relationships. Love bombing can happen in professional and platonic relationships as well.
They weaponize guilt.
Master manipulators prey on our vulnerability to weaponize guilt.
If you try to express your feelings to them, they are experts at manipulating your words and making you feel wrong.
Have you ever tried to have a serious conversation with someone about how they make you feel, only to have them turn the entire thing back on you?
“Why didn’t you bring this up sooner? Why are you making me out to be the bad guy? Don’t you know how much pressure I’ve been feeling at work?”
By the end of the conversation, you’re the one apologizing to them for feeling upset by their actions.
I was in an on-again-off-again relationship with a man for five years who was the king of mind games, and this was one of his favorite tools. Because he knew all of my vulnerabilities, it was so easy for him to turn any situation back around to me.
It was his way of “punishing” me for having the audacity to speak up and, unfortunately, it usually worked.
They play the victim.
This is related to guilt trips. Master manipulators know how to blame everyone for everything.
Nothing is their fault. They are never wrong. What’s worse, they know how to make you feel responsible for their behavior.
It’s your fault for making them angry. They would not have cheated if you hadn’t been giving them such a hard time. They got fired because the boss had it out for them.
The role of the victim absolves them of any wrongdoing and has the added effect of making you feel like the bad guy. This kind of emotional manipulation allows the abuser to never be wrong.
It is designed to make the person on the receiving end feel somehow wrong or at fault for their own hurt feelings.
playing the victim – emotional manipulation tactic
They distort.
Master manipulators are experts at distorting the narrative to fit their own agenda. They know how to pick events and can selectively recall things in such a way that makes you question your own memory. They will intentionally distort what you’re trying to say for their own purposes.
A common form of distortion is gaslighting.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional and psychological abuse intended to make someone question their own feelings, memories, and perceptions. It is one of the tell-tale signs of an emotionally abusive relationship.
Gaslighters try to convince you that reality isn’t as it seems by constantly denying things they have done.
They come in all forms. Gaslighters can be romantic partners, parents, bosses, or others in positions of trust and authority over your life.
Toxic relationships are often riddled with gaslighting, as it is another favored tactic of emotional manipulators.
Talking over someone when they’re trying to speak and not letting them finish what they’re saying.
They are passive-aggressive.
Passive aggressiveness is another form of manipulation to watch out for. It’s when a person does not say what they want or feel in an open way. They express their anger or frustration through sarcasm, sullenness, pouting, stubbornness, or silent treatment.
In the case of manipulators, this isn’t because they’re afraid to speak up.
They do it because it’s confusing for the people on the receiving end, which works to their advantage. When someone wields passive-aggressiveness, they can use subtle tactics to get what they want.
This can look like “forgetting” an important document for a meeting as a form of sabotage to a colleague. Or other forms of subtle undermining include:
Casually pushing buttons and acting offended or surprised when this bad behavior garners a negative response
Pretending not to understand
Intentionally misrepresenting what you’re saying
Shifting responsibility unfairly
Sarcasm
They’re stubborn to an extreme degree. An example of this could be defending a clearly wrong position tirelessly to annoy the other person.
Of course, passive-aggressiveness is hard to prove, which is why it’s so effective.
They are experts at playing dumb.
Masters of manipulation know how to feign ignorance. They are pros at it. When a manipulator gets called out for bad behavior, they immediately play dumb. It’s a tactic designed to make the person on the receiving end question their own memory and judgment.
Sometimes this looks like outright lying.
Machiavellians can look you straight in the eye and tell you the sky is purple in such a way that you start to question your own eyes when you look up and see blue.
They’ll tell you what you want to hear.
High Machs will tell you exactly what you want to hear and then turn around and do something completely different. They say they’ll show up and never do. They make promises they can’t keep. And when it comes time to confront them, they know exactly how to make you feel bad for expecting them to follow through.
They use comparison to hurt you.
Master manipulators love to prey on vulnerability, and one effective way to do this is by comparing you to others in a way designed to hurt you.
Here’s how that sounds in practice:
“My ex-girlfriend never had a problem making it to the gym before work. You should try harder.”
“Your brother was always good in math. I don’t know what happened to you.”
“You should try to dress more like Mia so you can get a date.”
They may compare you to someone a bit more successful as a way of demeaning you or making you feel small. If you call them out on it, they’ll deflect and make you feel like you’re being overly sensitive or picking a fight.
This form of emotional abuse is designed to produce feelings of inadequacy in the victim.
They weaponize the silent treatment.
Manipulators will withdraw their presence and support as a tool for punishing and controlling others.
A common form of this type of manipulation tactic is giving someone the silent treatment to get their way. It can also look like withholding affection or physical intimacy as a way of exerting control. It’s equal parts cruel and effective.
They always one-up your problems.
Another manipulation tactic to keep an eye out for is when someone downplays your problems in relation to their own. When you go to an abusive person with a problem you’re having, they find a way to diminish your situation while lamenting how much worse they have it.
“Man, I wish the only thing I had to worry about was dealing with an overbearing mother. I’m trying to help mine financially, so she doesn’t lose her house.”
It’s a tactic manipulators use to force you to expend all of your emotional energy on them. It’s designed to make you feel like your problems are silly and small while their problems are important. The long-term impact leads to feelings of weakness and shame.
They act like a martyr.
Any effort on their part is to be considered a Herculean effort. They will agree to help with something and then behave as if it is a heavy burden for which you must be overly grateful. This, in turn, can make you feel bad for asking, which they will then exploit.
“I was up till 3 AM last night, so driving you to this early appointment is asking a lot. I don’t know why you schedule these things so early.”
They isolate you.
Manipulators are good at trying to isolate their targets from family, friends, and loved ones. This is a common feature of trauma-bonded relationships with narcissists.
It is easier to control you if you don’t have access to outside support and perspectives.
They make you feel crazy.
This one is very much a culmination of every kind of manipulation on this list. If someone is making you feel can’t trust your own instincts or judgment anymore, they are manipulating you.
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